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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24166729">End my suffering (I'm already lost)</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart'>HopeSilverheart</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Clalec BroTP - Freeform, Heavy Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, Post-Episode: s03e10 Erchomai, Shadowhunter Magnus Bane, Sort Of, Warlock Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-05-13</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-05-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:07:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>3</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>7,818</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/24166729</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/HopeSilverheart/pseuds/HopeSilverheart</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Asmodeus decides that taking Magnus' magic just isn't enough. </p><p>---</p><p>“He has my magic, doesn’t he?”</p><p>Catarina’s lips parted again as she started to answer, but before she could get a word out, Alec’s eyes flew open. Except they weren’t Alec’s eyes at all.</p><p>Slit orbs flashed in Magnus’ direction, and the warlock forgot how to breathe.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>44</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>121</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. A fair trade</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“There must be something else I can give you.”</p><p>Silence hung heavy between Magnus and his father. The Prince of Hell looked at him thoughtfully and, for a second, the warlock thought that he would admit that there was, make Magnus pay the price, and send him on his merry way. But seconds ticked by and still, Asmodeus said nothing at all.</p><p>Time seemed to pass slower than it ever had before and Magnus itched to snap at the man and tell him to hurry up. Somewhere in New York City Alexander was counting on him, but he couldn’t do anything about it if his father didn’t name the cost of his help. He refused to even <em> think </em>about going back empty handed.</p><p>“Tell me, Magnus,” Asmodeus finally drawled, his familiar cat eyes staring at his son curiously. “Do you know what my magic means to me? Do you know what it’s worth to me?”</p><p>“Everything,” Magnus answered immediately. He didn’t even have to think about it.  He knew his father valued his endless powers more than anything else. Unsurprising, really, since the man was stuck in Edom, alone but for the many demons surrounding him.</p><p>“That’s right,” the Prince of Hell chuckled. The sound sent shivers down Magnus’ spine. “You see, I’m all for fair trades, son. I’ll give up what’s most precious to me, if you give up what’s most precious to <em> you </em>.”</p><p>“My magic? Is that what you think is most precious to me?” Magnus asked, not voicing his displeasure. Asmodeus could talk about fairness if he wanted to, but they both knew their exchange wouldn’t be equal.</p><p>“I don’t know, Magnus, isn’t it?” The man smirked. “It certainly was, a few decades ago, but now? What would you rather lose, son, your magic? Or the angel-blooded man whom you reek of?”</p><p>The warlock’s heart stopped beating. He should have known his father would find out about Alexander and use him against Magnus. He should have predicted that things wouldn’t be as simple as a trade of magic. Oh, he was sure that Asmodeus wanted his magic, but it only occurred to him then that the Prince of Hell could do so much worse than steal his powers.</p><p>“Leave Alexander out of this,” Magnus hissed, refusing to show weakness. When his father’s smirk only widened, the warlock knew that the other man had noticed his fear and desperation anyways. It was probably written all over his face.</p><p>“Ah see, I would, but I have a feeling that he’s the reason you’re here in the first place,” Asmodeus chuckled. “My dear son, one day your love of mortals will be the death of you. But that’s not what we were talking about. Do you need me to reiterate that question for you?”</p><p>“Just take my magic, father,” Magnus grit out, teeth clenched, hands curled into fists. His nails dug into his palms painfully, but he welcomed the distraction. He had a bad feeling about this, a <em> very </em>bad feeling. Unfortunately, his gut was rarely wrong.</p><p>“Once upon a time that offer would have been very tempting,” Asmodeus sighed. “But if you thought you would get out of this that easily, son, then you don’t know me at all. You come here asking for a favour but refuse to rule by my side. You beg me to take something else but ignore my questions. I am many things, Magnus, but patient isn’t one of them. So tell me, which is most precious to you? Your Nephilim, or your powers?”</p><p>It was a trap. He knew, deep down, that his father had already settled on a price and that no matter what he answered, it would be used against him. And his father wasn’t a foolish man; he would know if Magnus lied, and it would make things even worse. There was no right choice, no good response.</p><p>“I can’t give you the answer that you’re looking for, Asmodeus,” he murmured. “They’re both precious to me, and you know it. However, at least if you took my magic…”</p><p>“You would still have your <em> Alexander </em>?” His father laughed. “Oh, Magnus, do you truly believe that? Are you sure that he would still love you if you were magicless? Would you still love him if he didn’t have his wings? Or his angelic runes?”</p><p>“Of course I would,” Magnus snapped. They were entering dangerous territory and he didn’t know how to back out of it. If Asmodeus decided to take Alexander’s wings… “And he’ll love me too, even if I don’t have my magic.”</p><p>“I’m sure he would,” the Prince of Hell sneered. “After all, mortal love is a powerful thing. Thank you for your honesty, Magnus, it was… enlightening. Now, I assume that you’re eager to get back to your realm, so how about we conclude this deal?”</p><p>“I don’t even know what the price is,” the warlock pointed out, unwilling to admit that the evil glint in his father’s eyes <em> terrified </em> him. Whatever the man had planned, it wouldn’t be good. Yet Magnus knew he would accept, because Jace and Alexander needed him.</p><p>“Indeed you don’t,” Asmodeus grinned. “However, I think you’re desperate enough to leave Edom without knowing what you agreed to. I promise that I will not steal your magic or your Nephilim’s wings, and that both of you will be alive. Is that sufficient information for you? I assure you that you’ll discover the rest as soon as you unleash my powers.”</p><p>He was walking straight into the trap, he <em> knew </em> he was, but what else could he do? His magic and Alexander were what mattered most to him, so if they both stayed intact… He was running out of time to get back to his shadowhunter’s side, and he cursed Asmodeus for being right. He <em> was </em> desperate enough to conclude their deal without knowing what price he would have to pay for it. He would only have to wait a few hours to find out.</p><p>“Fine,” he spat. “We have a deal.”</p><p>“I knew there was a reason you’re my favourite.”</p><p>With that, his father thrust a portion of his magic towards Magnus and a second later, the warlock was back in New York. He ignored the dread that pooled in his stomach and focused on what he had to do. He would free Jace from Lilith’s grasp and deal with the consequences of his foolish actions later. He just hoped that he hadn’t agreed to become his father’s errand boy.</p><p> </p>
<hr/><p>The problem with trusting one’s father was that it always came to bite you in the ass later. That was especially true when your father was none other than Asmodeus, Prince of Hell extraordinaire. Still, Magnus had wanted to believe that his father cared enough about him not to lie to his face.</p><p>“Magnus, why isn’t your magic working?” Jace asked as the two of them kneeled beside Alec.</p><p>His beautiful shadowhunter was lying on the ground, blood pooling around him, the arrow still embedded in his chest, and Magnus’ magic wasn’t responding. He tried to reign in his panic, but the sight of Alexander’s pained features didn’t help in that regard. Tears streaked down his cheeks as he dug deeper, frantically searching for the core of his powers. It was nowhere to be found.</p><p>“Magnus, what the fuck is going on?” his boyfriend’s parabatai repeated anxiously. “You had your magic two seconds ago when you broke the spell, for Raziel’s sake! Why isn’t it working anymore?”</p><p>“That wasn’t my magic,” the warlock explained. “And frankly, I don’t understand this any more than you do. I went to my father for help and he lent me some of his demonic powers to save you. For a price, of course. However, he promised that my magic wouldn’t be stolen from me, so this… Fuck, Jace, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do here. Just… Keep applying those iratzes, alright? I’ll call Catarina.”</p><p>His fingers were trembling so much that he struggled to punch in his best friend’s number and, when she finally picked up, his breathing was erratic.</p><p>“<em>Magnus</em>,” her tinny voice greeted him. “<em>What’s going on?</em> <em>Is everything alright?</em>”</p><p>Nervous laughter bubbled in his throat, but he choked it down before it could leave his lips. If he started he wouldn’t be able to stop, and Catarina wouldn’t be able to find them.</p><p>“It’s Alexander,” he told her, his voice so soft and broken that he wondered if she had even heard him. The sharp inhale implied that she had, so he kept on going. “Cat, you need to get here fast. I’m sending you the address right now. Please hurry, Cat, please, I can’t… I can’t stand the thought of him dying in my arms.”</p><p>A sob slipped past his lips and he barely heard Catarina’s reassuring words as she promised him that she’d be over in a minute. Fuck, he had been so stupid. Why had he believed, even for a second, that his father would stay true to his word? Now he had lost his magic <em> and </em> he was going to lose Alexander. Maybe that had been Asmodeus’ plan all along.</p><p>“Magnus, I have to go. I have to… Clary, she’s in there, and I… I need to go.”</p><p>The warlock nodded in Jace’s direction, crawling back towards Alec as the blond shadowhunter disappeared in the darkness. He raised a shaky hand to his boyfriend’s face and leaned in close enough for his tears to start dripping onto Alexander’s cheeks. His shadowhunter didn’t even react, and if it weren’t for the slight fluttering of his eyelids, Magnus would have already been mourning.</p><p>“Just hold on, darling,” he whispered. “Hold on for me. Please, angel, I can’t… I can’t lose you already. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Alexander. I should have- I should have known. Damn it, I’m sorry. Please don’t die. Please don’t leave me. <em> Please </em>, Alexander.”</p><p>“’gnus,” Alexander’s voice cut through his litany of apologies and pleas, and Magnus sobbed harder at the sound. He had never heard his boyfriend sound so small, so defeated, so helpless. It made him want to run back to hell and curse Asmodeus for his false promises, made him want to scream at the unfairness of it all, made him want to curl up next to Alec and die with him. “My w’gs. Can’t feel m’wings.”</p><p>No. No, he refused to believe it. Alexander was just delirious. His wings were probably tucked behind him safely, a little roughed up but still there, hidden by his glamour rune. They had to be. Magnus didn’t know how he would live with himself if they weren’t.</p><p>“You’re just hurt, baby,” he breathed out, choking on his own words. “They’re still there, Alexander.”</p><p>They <em> had to be </em>.</p><p>A portal opened to his right and a second later Catarina was at his side, her hands already extended, her magic assessing the situation. The familiar white magic usually soothed Magnus, but as he stared at Alexander’s pale skin and empty eyes, his panic only intensified. If he still had access to his magic, he could have already healed him. This was all his fault.</p><p>“Magnus, I need you to tell me what happened,” Cat snapped him out of his daze. “I know you’re scared and worried, but I need you to tell me everything you know so I can help Alec, okay?”</p><p>He nodded unsteadily, stumbling over his words as he recounted Jace’s possession and Alexander’s subsequent injury. He felt so useless, and he knew that Catarina had noticed their second problem.</p><p>“I can save him, Magnus,” she told him gently. “He’s going to be fine. Maybe not immediately, but he will be, soon. I just need a few minutes to do this, okay? And then we can talk about the other issue.”</p><p>Her stern look was enough to make him understand that he wouldn’t be getting out of that particular conversation.</p><p>Now that Alexander wasn’t dying, Magnus let himself think about Asmodeus and his deal again. He had promised not to steal the warlock’s magic, but his powers were gone. He had sworn not to steal Alexander’s wings, but Magnus had a bad feeling about that as well.</p><p>At least Alexander was alive. Even if their most precious attributes truly disappeared that night, Magnus would fall asleep knowing that his angel’s heart was still beating. And if his boyfriend hated him for the loss of those beautiful midnight-blue wings? Well, it was a small price to pay for his life.</p><p>He was so distracted by his thoughts that it took him a second to sense the itch on his back. It was persistent, uncomfortable, and made Magnus want to scream. Hadn’t he dealt with enough for one night? Was the world truly determined to make him suffer in every way possible? His mind was already a mess: he didn’t need his body to start acting out as well.</p><p>“Okay, Mag- Holy shit.”</p><p>Magnus turned towards Catarina, frowning at her stunned gaze. He knew that he probably looked exhausted and that his makeup was ruined, but Catarina had seen him at his lowest; this little breakdown shouldn’t have surprised her. Her wide eyes, however, told another story.</p><p>“Don’t freak out,” his friend murmured. “But also maybe you should look at your back?”</p><p>How had she known that his back was bothering him? Were her healing powers really that good? And what was he supposed to be looking at, anyways? Confused and worried and still reeling from the events of the night, he glanced over his shoulder and promptly choked on air.</p><p>Because there, protruding proudly from his back, were a pair of wings that he knew better than the back of his hand.</p><p>“Catarina,” he whispered hoarsely. “Are those…”</p><p>“Alec’s wings?” she suggested. “Magnus, I think… Look, when I examined Alec, I didn’t think anything was wrong, because you’re always casting around him, so it would make sense for your magic to have marked him as its own, but Magnus…”</p><p>He knew where this was going. He should have seen it coming, really. After all, Asmodeus had promised not to steal his magic or Alexander’s wings, but he hadn’t said anything about messing with them otherwise. The loophole seemed obvious to him <em> now </em>, but in his hurry to get back to Alec, Magnus had missed it.</p><p>“He has my magic, doesn’t he?”</p><p>Catarina’s lips parted again as she started to answer, but before she could get a word out, Alec’s eyes flew open. Except they weren’t Alec’s eyes at all.</p><p>Slit orbs flashed in Magnus’ direction, and the warlock forgot how to breathe.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! And thank you to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/pseuds/AceOnIce">AceOnIce</a> for beta'ing this fic (and to Morgan for looking it over as well). I hope you liked this first chapter and that you'll enjoy the ones that'll come in the future ^^</p><p>Love, Julie. </p><p>(find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. You're looking at me so cold</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter title is from lauv's 'enemies'</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Alec woke up feeling disoriented.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The last thing he remembered was Jace stabbing him and Magnus coming to save him. After that, everything was blurry. He knew his boyfriend had been talking and touching him but he had been in too much pain to focus on anything, and then he had had a strange dream in which…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Sitting up suddenly, Alec reached for his back, panic settling in as he realised that the sensation of his wings disappearing hadn’t been a figment of his imagination. Why weren’t they there anymore?</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alexander, you’re awake.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The shadowhunter turned towards Magnus’ voice, hoping to find reassurance in the shape of his boyfriend. Then he spotted the wings on the warlock’s back and his heart clenched painfully. He knew those dark blue feathers so well, observed them in the mirror every morning, but seeing them on someone else…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Magnus,” he breathed out brokenly, gaze fixed on those two wide wings as they fluttered nervously. “Magnus, what’s going on?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“We’re not sure,” his boyfriend answered. “I mean, I have an idea, but we don’t know how bad this is exactly. Just… Don’t panic, alright? We’re going to figure this out.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Are we though?” Alec asked, his voice an octave higher than usual. “Magnus, you have wings. You have </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> wings.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I know, darling, I know,” Magnus winced, as though the mere idea was revolting. “But I really need you to calm down. Catarina doesn’t know how my magic will react to your body, and I don’t think we can handle a blow-up at the moment.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Magnus, my body has never rejected your magic before, I’m sure it’s fine,” Alec frowned. His boyfriend was acting strange, and Alec was starting to think that not all of it had to do with the wings on his back. “What else aren’t you telling me? What happened in Edom?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>If his lack of wings hadn’t been enough to set him on edge, the broken look in Magnus’ eyes definitely was. He couldn’t identify all the emotions flashing in his boyfriend’s warm eyes, but the mixture of regret and sadness lingering behind those beautiful depths did not bode well for the two of them. Alec didn’t know what he had expected from Magnus’ trip to hell, but he certainly hadn’t thought he would lose his wings because of it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“My father is a clever man, Alexander,” Magnus started softly, dropping his gaze as though he couldn’t bear to look at Alec. The gesture hurt more than it should have, but the shadowhunter felt raw and vulnerable and Magnus’ bizarre behaviour wasn’t helping. “I thought that things would be quick and easy, but he was determined to hold me back for as long as possible. He knew I was desperate and he took advantage of it. He promised he wouldn’t steal my magic or your wings, so I accepted his deal without knowing what the price would be. I didn’t… I didn’t think he would do this, Alexander. You have to believe me.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Of course I believe you,” Alec sighed. Magnus was obviously as unhappy about their situation as he was. “I just don’t understand what ‘this’ is, exactly. Are you telling me Asmodeus lent you some of his demonic powers in exchange for… my wings? It doesn’t make sense.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“If only it were that simple,” Magnus laughed mirthlessly. “In our hurry to help Jace, we both underestimated how cruel my father could be. He tried to make me choose between my magic and you, but I couldn’t, so he took both of you instead.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Magnus, you’re not making any sense,” Alec murmured, his eyes begging Magnus to explain, to help him understand. “You talked about your magic earlier, so it can’t be gone, right? And I’m here. I’m alive. I may not have my wings, but that doesn’t change who I am. You couldn’t have anticipated this, Mags, but we’ll find a way to fix it, okay? You said it yourself.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alexander…” Magnus whispered, finally looking up. Alec quickly lifted a hand to wipe away the tears streaming out of his boyfriend’s brown eyes, but before he could do anything, Magnus flinched away from his touch. “Asmodeus didn’t just give me your wings. He took everything that makes you a shadowhunter and transferred it to me. Your angelic blood, your ability to bear runes, your natural reflexes… All of it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec froze in place, his eyes widening fearfully. His whole life had been dedicated to becoming the best shadowhunter, the best Head of the Institute, the best son for his parents and the best brother for his siblings. He had worked hard to get to where he was and he had come such a long way already, but now Magnus was telling him that he was…</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m a mundane?” he choked out. “Magnus, Magnus, no, this can’t be real. The Shadow world is my home, Mags, I can’t… I can’t live without it. Please tell me this isn’t real, please tell me I’m not a mundane.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“You’re not,” his boyfriend answered firmly. “As I was saying, Asmodeus transferred all of your powers to me, and in return, transferred all of </span>
  <em>
    <span>my</span>
  </em>
  <span> powers to </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span>. Technically speaking, you’re a warlock.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Alec’s heart stopped. And then, in a fit of hysteria that he was unable to control, he burst out laughing, tears slipping out of his eyes and down his face at the very thought of having magic.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Magnus and he had had so many fights about their communities, about their identities, about their mortalities, and now here they were, positions reversed. No wonder Magnus looked so upset; being a shadowhunter was probably the last thing he wanted to deal with. Not that Alec couldn’t relate; becoming a warlock hadn’t exactly been a part of his ten-year plan.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He had been so worried about his lack of wings that he hadn’t even realised something else was wrong with him. Now that his boyfriend had pointed the switch out, however, it was impossible for Alec not to notice it. For one, there was a feeling deep in his gut he wasn’t used to, although he easily recognised it as Magnus’ magic. It was both familiar and unwelcome, and Alec fought the urge to claw at his stomach in an attempt to get rid of it. The blue energy had always belonged to Magnus, and Alec didn’t want to think about it sparking out of his own hands.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Then, there were Magnus’ eyes. The man had stopped wearing a glamour when it was just the two of them, so the absence of cat eyes should have immediately alerted Alec. Obviously, he had been a bit busy thinking about other things, but still, it wasn’t an innocuous change.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>On that note, if their identifying features had been switched, it would explain why Magnus still refused to meet his gaze. Seeing his warlock mark on his lover’s face was probably just as disconcerting as the presence of wings on his back, if not more.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>And then, there was the fact that Alec’s skin was completely unmarked. Not a single rune adorned his body, and his panic rose again.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Jace</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” he murmured brokenly. “Magnus, do you… Can you feel him? Please tell me you can feel him, please tell me the bond hasn’t been severed. I don’t know how I could…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I think it’s still there, Alexander,” Magnus was quick to reassure him, lifting his shirt and pointing at the </span>
  <em>
    <span>parabatai</span>
  </em>
  <span> rune nestled on his abdomen. “I’m not sure what it’s supposed to feel like, but there’s a bit of a buzz at the back of my mind, and a few feelings filtering in that definitely aren’t mine.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“So he’s okay?” Alec whispered.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I wouldn’t say okay,” Magnus pursed his lips. “The emotions coming off him are probably just as bad as the ones coming from my side of the bond. He’s alive, and I don’t think he’s hurt, but other than that, I don’t know how he’s doing.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I can live with that,” Alec closed his eyes tiredly. “Besides, it’s not like our disappearance wasn’t justified. Fuck, Magnus, what are we going to do? You said Cat was here, right? What did she say about this?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Not much,” Magnus winced. “The switch seems to have happened gradually. I lost my magic first, but you didn’t immediately receive it, and you lost your wings at the same time, but I only got them a few minutes later. Jace’s runes continued to work for a while longer, but they disappeared eventually. I also only received your Voyance and </span>
  <em>
    <span>parabatai</span>
  </em>
  <span> runes. The rest are nowhere to be found. She wanted to examine the both of us, but I wanted to get your consent first.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Let her do whatever she needs to,” Alec said decisively. “Anything to reverse this. If anyone can help, it’ll be Catarina.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Two minutes later, the dark-skinned woman was walking into the room uncertainly, gaze fixed on Magnus’ wings. Alec couldn’t even imagine how disturbing the sight must have been to her. She had known Magnus for centuries and had despised Nephilim alongside him. Seeing those angelic wings on her best friend’s back must have been a huge shock to her system.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’m glad you’re alright, Alec,” she greeted him with a small smile. “Now, I know you agreed to be examined, but I need to be sure you understand what might happen. Magnus’ magic isn’t acclimated to your body yet, and there’s a high chance it won’t react well to my intrusion. I’m going to cast a protective field around the both of us, but there’s still a chance that this will still hurt.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Whatever needs to be done,” Alec grit his teeth. He just wanted to be himself again; a little bit of pain wasn’t about to stop him from achieving that. “And Magnus? Will he be alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Your wings are probably fragile right now,” she admitted. “And he’ll probably suffer from a few aches for a couple of days, since his back isn’t used to the weight, but they won’t react badly to my spells.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Good, that’s good,” Alec breathed out. “Hopefully, this won’t even be a problem in a couple of days.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Alec…” Catarina said softly, but the shadowhunter refused to look at her or listen to what she had to say.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>He knew, deep down, that things wouldn’t be that simple. Asmodeus was a Prince of Hell, and there was no way his spell was a weak one. However, he didn’t want to think about that just yet. He didn’t want to think about the possibility that he would be stuck with Magnus’ magic, without his runes, without his </span>
  <em>
    <span>wings</span>
  </em>
  <span> forever.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Please, Cat,” he murmured. “Not right now. There’s still hope.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The warlock nodded, but her eyes were sad and tired and told Alec everything he needed to know. She didn’t think they would find a solution. By the tears in Magnus’ brown eyes, he didn’t think so either.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>Still, neither of them said anything as Catarina waved her hands over Alec’s body. As soon as her wisps of white magic reached for Magnus’ power, however, the blue tendrils inside Alec lashed out. He closed his eyes tightly and refused to make a sound, no matter how much the sensation hurt.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>It was torture, but he stayed quiet. He needed answers, and so did Magnus, and they wouldn’t get them if Alec couldn’t get the blue magic under control. So he clenched his jaw and tried to force it to back down. It felt wrong, pushing it away like that, getting it to hide and retreat, but he knew it was for the best. Catarina’s magic was flowing through him gently, and he had to let it do its work.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The restless blue energy would have to wait a while longer.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“And that’s it,” Catarina’s voice broke him out of his trance. “Are you alright?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“’m fine,” Alec answered, rubbing at his temples to stave off the headache he could feel building up. “The magic didn’t love that, but it’s fine. I’ve had a lot worse. Out of curiosity… Why doesn’t Magnus’ magic recognise you? I mean, it’s still clearly </span>
  <em>
    <span>his</span>
  </em>
  <span>, and you’ve probably healed him hundreds of times before, and I know you said that it was because of my body, but it really felt like…”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Like it was the magic pushing me out?” Catarina completed for him. “That’s because it was. Magic is a complicated thing, Alec, and there’s no telling how it’ll react to different situations, especially when it’s been transfused into an entirely different person. I agree that the core is still Magnus’, but the energy? It’s all yours, Alec. This magic beats with your heart and flows through your blood, not his. It isn’t as uncontrolled as it could be, but it’s still new, and I’m not surprised it rejected my presence.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Right…” Alec mumbled. The words didn’t all make sense, but he thought he had understood the gist of it. “So the magic is Magnus’, but it’s also mine now, so it’s a bit confused?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Pretty much,” his boyfriend piped in. He was staring at Alec strangely, as though he couldn’t quite fathom how the shadowhunter was keeping it together. If only he knew about the storm Alec was weathering within his own mind. “However, that’s not what we really want to know.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>The warlock raised an eyebrow in Catarina’s direction, but the woman kept her gaze fixed on the floor. She was fiddling with a bracelet Alec had never noticed before, and he knew, without a doubt, that the gesture was a nervous one. Whatever she had discovered during her examination, it wasn’t good.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I…” she started gently. “I don’t think it’s reversible. Rationally, we all know that the wings are Alec’s and the magic Magnus’, but… Your bodies don’t have minds of their own. To them, Alec is a warlock and Magnus is a shadowhunter, and that’s that. I’m quite certain if I took a sample of your blood, I would find angelic traces in Magnus’ and demonic ones in Alec’s. Whatever Asmodeus did, it’s not something that can be fixed by anyone other than him.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Then we go to him,” Alec said forcefully. “If there’s even a chance he’ll switch us back, we have to take it.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Absolutely not,” Magnus deadpanned. “I know what my father will ask for in return, and I can’t give it to him. I’m sorry, darling, but we’ll have to find another way to do this. I’m sure we’ll figure something out eventually.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Eventually?!” Alec snapped. “So what? We’re supposed to hide out and hope that no one needs us until a magical solution comes to us in a dream? You heard what Cat said, Magnus! Whatever your father did, it changed who we were as people. Can you really live like that? Knowing you’re not the person who you were yesterday?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“It’s not like we have a choice, </span>
  <em>
    <span>Alec</span>
  </em>
  <span>,” Magnus retorted shortly.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Don’t we?” the younger man snarled, pointing at Magnus accusingly. He knew he was overreacting and blaming the wrong person for their condition, but he needed to take his anger out on someone, and who better than the man who had struck the deal in the first place? “Because you told me that you did, that Asmodeus gave you a choice but you were too cowardly to decide.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“How dare you call me a coward?” Magnus hissed dangerously. “I went to Edom for your </span>
  <em>
    <span>parabatai</span>
  </em>
  <span>, Alec. I faced the man who raped my mother. I accepted a deal that could have ended with me dying. And yet here </span>
  <em>
    <span>you</span>
  </em>
  <span> are, calling me a coward? I know you’re afraid and worried, but don’t take it out on me when I’m only trying to help.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Excuse me for being slightly upset with you,” Alec answered, his voice deceptively quiet in the face of his anger. “But I just got stabbed by my brother, lost my wings, found out that I’m stuck as a warlock for who knows how long, and now my boyfriend won’t even look at me anymore! Is it truly that horrifying for you to see your eyes in a face that isn’t yours?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Oh, I’m sorry,” Magnus drawled. “You’ll have to excuse me for finding it hard to look at the demon mark that’s currently ruining your angelic features.”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Enough!”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>As one, both men turned towards Catarina, who was scowling at them disapprovingly. Fury still bubbled underneath Alec’s skin, but he held it back for her sake. Regardless of Magnus’ involvement in the matter, Catarina had nothing to do with it.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I get that both of you are stressed and confused and hurt, but yelling at each other isn’t going to solve anything,” she chided. “We all want the same thing, guys, so can we please just… calm down?”</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“I’ll calm down if he does,” Magnus scoffed.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Real mature, Magnus,” Alec snorted, opening his mouth to snark back at his boyfriend. Before he could say anything, however, his phone started ringing obnoxiously. He looked away from the warlocks and snatched the device up, blanching at the caller ID.</span>
</p>
<p>
  <span>“Damn it,” he cursed under his breath. “I need to take this. It’s Jace.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heya guys, thank you so much for reading! I edited this chapter myself so all mistakes are my own (feel free to point them out if you spot them, though). I'm not sure how I feel about this scene, but I really liked the argument between Magnus and Alec so I didn't feel like changing anything else. Hopefully it turned out okay! I have another chapter and a half already written, and only took so long posting this one because I'm terrible at editing my own stuff. I'll try to post the next one soon enough! In the meantime, enjoy the calm before the storm!</p>
<p>Love, Julie. </p>
<p>(find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. The prices we've got to pay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>chapter title is from ben platt's 'rain'</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“Put him on speaker,” Magnus ordered, ignoring Alexander’s miffed glare in favour of stealing the phone from him. He hit the speaker button, smirking at his boyfriend’s pout. “Hello, Jason. Good to know you’re still alive.”</p><p>“<em>Magnus</em>,” Jace snapped. “<em>Where’s Alec? I think something’s wrong with our bond. His emotions are all over the place. Fuck, is he alright? I can tell he isn’t dead, but everything feels different</em>.”</p><p>“I’m right here, Jace,” Alec sighed. “And I’m fine. A lot happened in the past few hours, none of which are appropriate to tell you over the phone. Could you stop by the loft sometime soon?”</p><p>“<em>Can Magnus portal me there?” </em>Alexander’s parabatai asked.</p><p>Magnus grimaced, Catarina closed her eyes tiredly, and Alec clenched his hands into fists. The three of them stared at each other, unsure what to say. Eventually, Catarina sighed and caved in.</p><p>“I’ll open one for you, Herondale. Where are you, exactly?”</p><p>“<em>Alec’s office</em>,” the shadowhunter answered immediately. “<em>Can you make this quick? We need Alec back at the Institute as soon as possible</em>.”</p><p>Catarina rolled her eyes, exasperated at the request, but complied, the portal appearing in front of them instantly. Jace stepped out of it, looking frazzled and anxious and more like himself than he had ever since Lilith had gotten a hold of him. Magnus could pinpoint the exact moment the blond man realised something was wrong.</p><p>His gaze flicked between Magnus and Alec rapidly, his mouth dropped open, and he let out a near-silent ‘<em> uck’ </em> that had his <em> parabatai </em> chuckling nervously.</p><p>“Yeah, so, things aren’t great here,” Alec blurted out in his usual blunt fashion. “Please tell me you have good news.”</p><p>“Clary’s missing.”</p><p>The bedroom window shattered. Magic swirled around Alexander, crackling dangerously.</p><p>Magnus almost let him struggle with his magic alone, just to prove that his boyfriend needed his help, but then he saw the terrified look in Alexander’s eyes. No matter how pissed he was at the other man, he couldn’t turn away from the shadowhunter he loved.</p><p>“Darling,” he murmured, stepping closer to Alec. “I know you’re scared, believe me, I do, but you need to relax, sweetheart. Right now, your magic can’t separate itself from your emotions, so all you need to do is <em> calm down</em>. Look at me, okay? It’s just us here. Just the two of us, Cat, and Jason. Don’t think about anyone or anything else, just focus on us. We’re going to figure this out, Alexander, I promise.”</p><p>Slowly but surely, the blue glow around Alec started to fade away and Magnus took a deep breath, relieved. Loss of control was no joke when it came to magic. He remembered the first years of his life with startling clarity, and some events had been so traumatic that he still dreamt about them to this day.</p><p>He wouldn’t wish such nightmares on anyone, and definitely not on Alexander.</p><p>“Better?” he murmured.</p><p>“Yeah,” his boyfriend answered softly, hesitating for an instant before closing the distance between them and hugging him tightly. “Thank you. And I’m sorry for what I said. I was completely out of line.”</p><p>“I’m sorry too,” Magnus whispered. “I should have been more careful, I should have known that Asmodeus would pull something like this. And I shouldn’t have snapped back at you earlier.”</p><p>“I deserved it,” Alexander chuckled wetly.</p><p>Magnus kissed the tears off his cheeks, caressing his shadowhunter’s face softly and revelling in the way Alec leaned into his touch. With his eyes closed and his lips tilted upwards, he looked like himself again, and a pang of longing hit Magnus square in the chest. Would he ever learn to love his cat eyes on Alec’s face? Would Alec ever be able to look at him without wanting his wings back?</p><p>Behind them Jace cleared his throat loudly, so Magnus twisted around to look at him. His gaze was stuck somewhere between confused and scared. Guilt flared deep within Magnus’ gut, and he quickly glanced away from the blond’s curious eyes. Alec and he weren’t the only ones to have lost something that night.</p><p>“Sorry to interrupt that lovely moment,” Jace grinned sheepishly. It did very little to hide the pain that Magnus could feel like an itch at the back of his mind, but it wasn’t his place to say anything about that. “But can someone please tell me what’s going on? When you asked me to come, I assumed that Alec needed my help healing, but this…”</p><p>“Is a lot?” Magnus suggested, beaming at Alexander’s amused snort. “Believe me, we know. Long story short, we needed help to free you from Lilith’s grasp, so I went to my father. The Prince of Hell wasn’t impressed by my demand and decided to ask for something in exchange. He was a bit vague about the details, but from what we’ve put together, Alec is now a warlock and I’m a shadowhunter. All wonderful things, truly. Couldn’t have asked for a better gift from daddy dearest.”</p><p>“Magnus,” Alec reprimanded him, his features contorted into a scowl. “I know this situation isn’t ideal, but could you hold back some of the sarcasm for a minute?”</p><p>The warlock rolled his eyes but complied, knowing his irony wouldn’t be appreciated whilst Jace was around. The poor shadowhunter looked like he was two seconds away from having a heart attack. Magnus could relate.</p><p>“So the reason why my <em> parabatai </em> bond feels weird…” the blond man started slowly, staring at Alec intently.</p><p>“Is because you now share it with Magnus,” Alec breathed out, voice cracking halfway through his sentence. “Technically speaking, he’s your <em> parabatai </em> now, not me. The feelings you’ve been experiencing are all his, which is probably why they felt so different.”</p><p>“And you’re really…” Jace murmured. “I mean, that magic… That was really you? I know you said it already, and I saw the energy around you myself, but is this real? How do we fix it?”</p><p>Silence.</p><p>Magnus swallowed heavily, Alec’s wings fluttering anxiously behind him. His boyfriend had torn his gaze away from his brother and was now steadfastly looking out the window. Clearly, neither of them wanted to be the bearer of bad news, which left…</p><p>“We don’t,” Catarina sighed. “As far as I can tell, this isn’t something that can be reversed with a simple spell or ritual or even a magical transfusion. Whatever Asmodeus did, it truly switched the two of them around. This isn’t just about the way they look or what they can do, Herondale, it’s about their blood, their DNA, their very existences.”</p><p>“Fuck.”</p><p>“Hmm, I do believe that sums up this situation quite well,” Magnus hummed in agreement. “So, <em> parabatai</em>, now that we’ve cleared things up, care to tell us about biscuit’s disappearance?”</p><p>“Firstly, don’t you dare call me that,” Jace snapped, his eyes flashing angrily. “Sharing a rune isn’t what makes Alec and I <em> parabatai</em>, so stay out of it. Secondly, there isn’t much to tell. I went to find her, Jonathan came back to life, the building blew up, and she was gone.”</p><p>“So what? She just vanished?” Magnus asked disbelievingly. “Alone?”</p><p>“No,” Jace grit out. “We think Jonathan is with her. Isabelle, Simon, and I, that is. We tried tracking her, but nothing comes up, and I don’t think she would have purposefully hidden herself from us. Lilith resurrected that bastard, and now he has Clary. And of course, you chose this exact moment to switch lives.”</p><p>“Woah buddy,” Alec interrupted, cat eyes narrowing in Jace’s direction. The shadowhunter unconsciously took a step back, away from his <em> parabatai</em>. If Alexander noticed, he didn’t say anything about it. “Do you really think we had a choice? I asked Magnus to do whatever it took to get you back, and he did. Sure, the results are unpredictable and annoying and possibly life-changing, but don’t blame this on either of us. This doesn’t affect you even half as much as it affects us.”</p><p>“So you’re just going to accept this?” Jace growled. “You worked your whole life to become the best shadowhunter there is, Alec. Are you really going to give up now?”</p><p>“What else do you want me to do?” the dark-haired shadowhunter exclaimed. “Catarina doesn’t think we can reverse this, and Magnus can’t give Asmodeus what he really wants, whatever that is. We’re not going to stop looking for a solution, Jace, but in the meantime, there’s nothing we can do about this. Not that it’ll stop me from doing my job. Nobody has to know.”</p><p>Magnus nodded along to Alec’s words. He’d have to find a way to placate his clients until everything went back to normal but there was no reason to alarm anyone. He would search for a solution in his spare time, and the rest of the world would remain none the wiser.</p><p>“You want to keep this a secret?” Catarina asked incredulously, looking between Alexander and Magnus as though they had lost their minds. “Of course you do. Heaven forbid you actually do something smart about all of this. So what, you’re just going to keep on living as though nothing’s changed?”</p><p>“That’s the goal,” Alec shrugged. “Look, I understand that it isn’t the best idea, but neither Magnus nor I want to lose our jobs. What do you think will happen if word gets out that the Head of the Institute can no longer bear runes or that the High Warlock no longer has magic?”</p><p>“Alec, are you sure about this?” Jace frowned. “I mean, I’m all for keeping you around as my commanding officer, but if someone finds out… Maybe coming clean is the better option. At least then, they can’t accuse you of lying.”</p><p>But Magnus knew that Alexander had made up his mind, and honestly? So had he. There was no way he was going to lose his position because of Asmodeus, and if that meant lying to a few people along the way, then so be it. Jace and Catarina could worry and fret and beg them to reconsider their decision, but Magnus refused to let his father ruin his life any more than he already had.</p><p>Thankfully, their guests seemed to pick up on their mood and, after one last plea to think about it overnight, Catarina left them alone. Magnus regretted her departure as soon as the portal closed behind her, since it turned out Jace had been holding himself back for her sake.</p><p>“Now, would either one of you care to explain why I wasn’t called here the <em> instant </em> you realised something was wrong?” the blond questioned them imperiously.</p><p>“We were a bit distracted, Jace,” Alec replied tiredly. His cat eyes were drooping, his arms were hanging limply at his sides, and his features were marred by poorly-concealed pain. Magnus’ heart ached at the sight, and he had to refrain from kicking Jace out on the spot. “Between my injury and the switch…”</p><p>“We had other things to think about, blondie,” Magnus finished for him. “And you’re here now, aren’t you?”</p><p>“I should have been here hours ago,” Jace snarled. “I get that you’re both dealing with a crappy situation, but a text would have taken less than a second to send, and I might have been able to help.”</p><p>“No, you wouldn’t have,” Alec sighed. “Look, Jace, you had Clary to deal with, and reports to take care of, and you would have been too frantic to do anything for me. I appreciate the sentiment, really, and I promise that we’ll keep you updated in the future, but I’m too exhausted to talk about this right now. Go back to the Institute, Jace, and please don’t tell anyone, not even Izzy. I’ll see you tomorrow.”</p><p>The dismissal was clear, and it seemed that even the stubborn shadowhunter wasn’t stupid enough to ignore the warning behind Alexander’s words. He reluctantly gave Alec a quick hug, narrowed his eyes in Magnus’ direction, and stalked out of the loft without looking back.</p><p>And then there were two.</p><p>“Go back to bed, Alexander,” the warlock murmured. “It’s already past 3 and you have to be up early tomorrow. I’ll join you in a minute.”</p><p>It was a testament to how tired the man was that he didn’t even try to protest. He nodded, stumbled onto the bed, and curled around a pillow protectively. He was asleep within seconds, and Magnus didn’t know whether he was relieved or disappointed.</p><p>They needed to talk, desperately, but the warlock couldn’t think of a single thing he wanted to do less.</p><p>Glancing at his boyfriend’s peaceful face one last time, he stepped into the bathroom. The large mirror he had conjured decades ago stood in front of him, but for the first time in a very long time, he couldn’t bear to look at himself.</p><p>He hadn’t felt self-conscious about his body in years, and this sudden change was entirely unwelcome. Coming to terms with his cat-eyes had been a slow process, one that he hadn’t thought he’d ever have to go through again, but there he was. The wings on his back itched, weighed his shoulders down, and twitched tensely in tandem with his hands.</p><p>They felt wrong. His cat-eyes, for all their faults, had always been a part of him, but these wings… They had looked beautiful on Alec, and he knew that they wouldn’t clash with his colouring either, but he couldn’t bring himself to glance at them again. They weren’t his. They didn’t belong there. They made him sick to his stomach.</p><p>Still, they were begging to be taken care of, and Magnus had learned a long time ago that ignoring his body’s needs never ended well. Ever so slowly, he started grooming the feathers on his back, smoothing them over as Alexander had done thousands of times before. The entire affair took almost an hour because of the wings’ size, and by the time he fell into bed next to Alec, he was physically and emotionally exhausted.</p><p>His boyfriend’s eyes fluttered open as they so often did when Magnus went to bed after him, and the warlock had to hold back a flinch as Alec’s slit pupils came into view. His demon mark. A sob threatened to spill out of Magnus’ lips.</p><p>“M’gnus,” Alexander said roughly. “C’mere.”</p><p>“In a second, darling,” Magnus whispered, reaching for his bedside table and the item he had discarded there earlier.</p><p>As soon as his hand touched it, Alexander’s stele lit up. He would have preferred to forget about the angelic blood currently coursing through his veins, but he refused to sleep next to Alec with his wings out. So, he painstakingly drew the rune he had traced on his boyfriend’s skin more times than he could count.</p><p>The black lines were a stark contrast to his usually unmarked arms and he quickly looked away from them. Just like his wings, they were nothing but a reminder that he wasn’t himself anymore.</p><p>That night, not even his Alexander could keep the nightmares away.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Heya guys! Thank you so much for reading! And thank you to <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceOnIce/pseuds/AceOnIce">Amelia</a> for beta'ing this fic, as always! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, I promise they start actually trying to fix things in the next one! </p><p>Love, Julie. </p><p>(find me on tumblr @hopesilverheart)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
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